So I have been struggling the last two days. The Lord has given me time to sit and think while I have been in Christchurch. I didn't want to. My mind has been all over the place. Some thoughts are about the joy from all that has happened this trip, the blessings and the teaching ground that it has proved to be. Others though were spinning around but didn't really have a place to stop. I wanted to get away from them, but nothing was working. So after some time here they are.
I am human, and as such I am base, I get pulled down by things that weren't a problem even one day earlier. I forget truths that I have learned so many times. Why? Why? I'm not sure, but I am glad that the Lord is slow to anger, forgiving and that His steadfast love endure forever.
I finally started talking to Mike about some of the vague thoughts that have been plaguing my mind. Actually, talking to him about them was of utmost importance, because I realized part of my problem was sinning against him.
Jealousy, I hate to even write it. Writing further admits it, but in this I find freedom from it. I have been jealous of the joy that Mike has recently been growing exponentially in. Dumb, I know but it has crept up inside of me so stealthily, so ingrained. I barely realized it until now. It has been stealing my joy, from sharing in Mikes joy, distracting me from the Lord, clogging my heart.
The Lord has done so much with Mike this trip, has taught him so much about eternity, about life, about his grace, his sufficiency, his greatness. Mike has soaked it up and has grown in passion for the Lord. His passion has exploded, and the repercussion has been touched lives, raw honest blogs and great joy. AWESOME. When I stop and think about it I am in humbled wonder, I got to see Jesus really change someones heart, how amazing is that!
Yet the Liar found a place within my own desires that could be easily exploited and I was led astray. Thank God for discomfort of the soul. I knew something was wrong today, and I didn't like it. So I prayed about it and Mike noticed something was up, so he prayed for me as well. Finally this evening I told Mike that I have been jealous of God using him recently. I wanted to have the spot light as I told people about the Lord changing my heart and the joy I had in the midst of tough times. I am quite silly it seems.
He then reminded me about the influence I have been on him while he has been over here. How God has used me as a Brother to help him and that in turn has helped him passion. That helped, it really did, to be reminded of God using me was great. As he went on, the deeper Truth won out and I remembered that God is what I am here for, not people, not blogs not anything else, just the Lord. I need to keep that first, to keep my eye on the prize.
1 Cor. 16:13-14 says it this way:
Be on your guard, stand firm in the faith, be courageous, be strong.
Your every act should be done with love.
All over the NT this is said various ways; continue, persevere, press on, these are all over the place. We need to make sure that we heed these warnings and not give up, not become complacent because we have such a great reward in the Lord, his GRACE is everything!
All we need is the Lord! This is why I love one of Shawn McDonald's songs. He does a good job of focusing only on the Lord. If you have not heard the song you should check it out, if you have, you probably understand why I like it so much.
As I sit here and think
About all that You've done
About how You gave me Your one and only Son
And I'm trying to fathom
All that You are, but so far, Lord
You're so beyond me
I fall down in reverence
And I fall down in fear
And I'm asking You, Lord, won't You please draw near
Won't You open my eyes
So that I can see
The way that You are working in me
All I need is Your love
To come and fill this heart of mine
My heart is a desert that has gone dry
And I lay down my life
And I put it before You
All that I am is in Your hands
And I'm not going to question, why You're so faithful
Why that You give me the blessing that You have
Let the glory be known, let the glory be shown
Lift You up unto the throne
You are my God, You are my King
To You I give, I give You everything
All that I need is Your love, my God
ALL I NEED IS YOUR LOVE!
Grace to you all!
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3 comments:
oh that is so great! it's good that you and michael can be honest with one another and pray for each other. accountability is sooooo important! for the past 2 weeks butch has been preaching on this verse: "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep His promise. Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another ,especially now that they day of His return is drawing near." (Hebrews 10:23-25). we need each other!
also, in my quiet times i have been reading the gospels, and before Jesus was taken to be crucified, He prayed over and over again for unity among the believers - unity as strong as the bonds between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! He is so good!
i am glad God is working in ya'll's lives so much - He is so Good!
in Christ alone...!!!!!
bud--what a great post. honest, open, beautiful. i hope you find peace in your journey. it's no greater or worse than anyone else's. i think if we're all honest, we'd all be jealous of something. i'm jealous that you're in new zealand. there. i said it. :)
i find a lot of truth in what you've written--i appreciate it. i hope i see you soon.
only a week or so left...soak it up, buddy.
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